When Amish People go to Parties by Kenneth Santos
Jimmy:
Hey… My name’s James. James Anthony Wallace III.
Topanga:
Hi, nice to meet you. My name is Topanga. Like one of the main characters in Boy Meets World.
Jimmy:
Ohh. I don’t watch television that much. Mother says that the television is a secret portal into the fiery abyss of hell.
Topanga:
Oh… that’s pretty cool.
Jimmy:
Yep! Mother’s always looking out for her kin.
Topanga:
You seem to talk about your mother a lot. Tell me things about yourself. What are your hobbies?
Jimmy:
Well, I like to build barns, houses and churn butter. I have many pets too. Horses, cows, chicken and others of the same sort.
Topanga:
Oh I see. Are you Amish? It would make sense why you were wearing such garb to this party. Also, why are you at the party? Aren’t the Amish pretty strict about going out and such?
Jimmy:
Yes, I am Amish. I’m here with my friend Jebediah. He brought me here. We were able to come here because its Rumspringa and we got kicked out of our community.
Topanga:
Oh no! What did you do to get kicked out?
Jimmy:
The usual. I got caught drinking, smoking and doing recreational drugs with Jebediah. He got it from some Roman Catholics in town. It’s how all the Amish kids get kicked out.
Topanga:
Wow. I didn’t know that Amish teens indulged in such behavior.
Jimmy:
Yeah… well we usually do it during Rumspringa but we got tired of waiting.
Topanga:
So where are you going to stay?
Jimmy:
Jebediah and I have a friend in town that’s willing to let us stay with him.
Topanga:
That’s very fortunate. You’re pretty lucky to have people to help you out.
Jimmy:
Yeah. What a great topic to start a conversation with eh?
Topanga:
Well, it was interesting to say the least.
Jimmy:
I hope that’s a good thing.
Topanga:
Oh, very much so! Most of the guys here are so boring. With their silly one-liners and talking about how manly they are.
Jimmy:
Yep! That’s not me at all! I’m definitely not manly! Wait, that came out wrong…
Topanga:
Haha. It’s okay. I know what you meant. It’s nice to talk to a guy that’s different from the norm. I’m kinda tired of going out with the brainless jocks.
Jimmy:
Sweet. Enough about me. What do you like to do?
Topanga:
Well, I’m on the captain of the cheerleading squad at Generic Name High School. I love music. I enjoy long walks on the beach, rock climbing, surfing, painting and all other sorts of activities!
Jimmy:
Sounds like you keep yourself busy. Umm… can I ask you a personal question?
Topanga:
Sure. Seeing as since we just met two pages back and had a nice conversation so far. Shoot.
Jimmy:
Okay… are you a virgin?
Topanga:
What?!
Jimmy:
I was just wondering… because I’m around the age where all the Amish kids get married. All the other Amish teenagers have found girls to get married and it’s starting to get me depressed…
Topanga:
Oh… well I don’t know if I want to get married yet… How do I even know if you’re the perfect guy for me? Should we at least date first?
Jimmy:
Well, I guess we can try dating first. This dating thing is kinda new to me. I don’t even know where to begin… What if I mess it up?
Topanga:
I could help you out with what to do and not to do.
Jimmy:
That would be nice.
[There is a loud ruckus in the living room]
Topanga:
What was that?!
Jimmy:
Let go see!
Topanga:
Who is that?
Jimmy:
Oh my god…
Topanga:
What Jimmy? Spit it out!
Jimmy:
That’s my…mother!
Topanga:
Impossible! How could she have found you?
Jimmy:
We must have left a trail of melting butter from our wagon. Mother has a great sense of smell.
Topanga:
You better run! She looks pissed and she is holding a hoe!
Jimmy:
Mother! I told you that I was never coming back! Stop trying to bring me back to that nightmare you call a community!
Topanga:
Run, Jimmy, Run!
Jimmy:
No! I can’t keep running away from her! The time has come where I have to finally stand up to her.
Topanga:
She’s too strong for you, Jimmy. She’s going to beat you with that hoe!
Jimmy:
I still have to try… for my sake and for all the other Amish teenagers in the world. Together we have help destroy the old useless traditions!
Topanga:
Godspeed, Jimmy!
Jimmy: [Fist fighting with his mother]
Urk! Ouch not there! Ahhh!
Topanga:
Nooooo! Let go of him! Let go of his goddamn ear! You’re going to rip it off!
Jimmy:
I love you, Topanga!
Topanga:
Call me!
Jimmy:
I can’t. I don’t own a phone!
